The Babies That Are Not With Us


The loss of a child can be a hard pill to swallow. Loosing part of yourself, which you carried inside you for a time, feeling him move around inside your belly. How does one deal with that effectively and not lose their mind and soul in the process?

MiscarriageGrief…yes, it is loss, hardship, tears, pain, a gut-wrenching stab that just takes your breath away, leaving one blindsided. Then I look over at my two-year-old, crying, because she wants my tea. I gave her something else instead and I am filled with gratitude for her in my life. Those big blue almond shape eyes, that currently are like a waterfall, because she is not getting what she wants. Having her, my dog Heidi, and the cat Nae Nae does not take the pain and suffering away but it does ease the “thud” that is there when the pain hits. The cat just jumped up behind my head and the dog is now making puppy dog eyes at me over an arm; they sense my pain. I love them so much and am so grateful for them.

October is a weird month for me. The 1st (2007) is the day I walked into Alcoholics Anonymous and decided I should get my life in order, it is also the day I picked up Nae Nae as a kitten (2009), the 10th is Heidi’s birthday (2003) and the anniversary of my big brother’s death (2004), the 15th is the day my son was born and died (1993), and Halloween is my New Year. This month is full of grief and loss for me, but new beginnings and love.

It has only been in the last 5 years that I started celebrating Heidi’s birthday instead of grieving the loss of my brother. I am still sort of pissed at him for dying on her first birthday. One day I will get over that, but today I am not seething with anger or crying, so today is a good day and I will call it good.

Grief takes time, I have been grieving for over 20 years for one and almost a decade for another. I still grieve for my brother that he did not get to know any of them, or see Chloe, Heidi, or Nae Nae. I feel that we are all missing out. But I know that if I remember them they are here. However, my mind, body, and soul computing that is a different story. I do have my moments, though when I do, and I am grateful for those moments. The other times I have Heidi’s sweet face, Nae Nae’s wonderful purr, and of course those beautiful almond shaped eyes twinkling at me. They help me move on with life and remember that life is truly wonderful today.



Image credits: Featured, by theadventurouswriter; Top, by Pinterest; Bottom, by Americanpregnancy

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