Denial

Denial is Not a River in Egypt

Part of a multi-segmented series on Denial

I am no victim in this. My wrongs in this are many. The only thing I am the victim of is my own poor choices and I have made many. I have righted as many as I could, however DCYF does not seem to care if I do it or not. This being the reason I am writing all of this and exposing what is going on. A little bundle of joy, she is the only victim in this tragedy that I am so desperately trying to make right. Every time I turn around, I hit a brick wall of nothingness from the people who claimed they were going to help reunify us as a family.

After she was removed, I hit a bottom. A complete and total bottom I never thought I could have, but I hit it. At that moment I stopped digging and started climbing. I had lifelines reaching out to me from numerous directions telling me “here I am, just grab on and we will help you!” I took those lifelines and have hung onto them with a vengeance like I never knew existed; like I did to my recovery on May 5, 2008.

I had finally found that drive again that I lost when I was fighting to get her back in the first dependency that started in 2016. DCYF said she had to come first. But my recovery comes first so I do not lose everything else…?! Don’t they get this! I was told to say it to make it sound good to pacify them so I did.

Putting my recovery first and everything else second is what had made me successful in staying clean. I had conquered numerous things in the years I had gotten clean; a big hurdle was codependency. I grew up in it and domestic violence (DV). I was my bio mother’s victim and I did not want to treat my children that way or have them feel the way I did about her. I also could not stay clean and be a codependent person; it just did not work.

The behaviors I exhibited was horrible. Not only was I always in everyone’s business but I did not take care for myself, I was not present for my children, or care for our living environment at all. It was just … horrible does not cover it. Over the years of being clean I would slip back into it, but catch myself and pull myself out of it.

I was doing everything I needed to do to get my lil one back in the first dependency; all their requirements and I was in Family Recovery Court (FRC). I was the first to be admitted into FRC under the mental health track in the State of Washington and the first to graduate. I retained custody of her and she came home. The dependency ended and the case was closed August 2018 and it was a relief. The entire time I knew something was off, I just did not feel right. I had to ask people for so much direction it was unbelievable; I look back now and think of it as “Where do we go now George?” mentality.

I did need to change a lot of thinking patterns; however, I realize also that I had actually started to think like my self-talk. I was putting lil one first. I had become codependent on her and it was not healthy. I had left my HP behind and my child was now my HP. I then proceeded to turn my relationship and partner into my HP, which did not help our relationship at all. I started eating unhealthy foods, hanging around people I normally would not hang around, abusing my depression medication, and life just got worse.

I was stuck on Step 3, I could do this “Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him” However, there are two parts to step 3. I could not actually follow through to doing this with my HP because I had already given my will and my life over to someone(s). I just did not know it at the time.

healthy

I had this big whole in me and I was trying to fill it with outside people and things. I had started school and a volunteer position to try and fill that hole, in hopes that would help. I had to stop my volunteering when the case started because DCYF wanted to know my schedule so I gave it to them. Then they proceeded to schedule everything during when I volunteered.

I could either have my life [outside of being a mom] and not get my daughter or give up that life and get my daughter. In the process of giving up my volunteering, AA meetings, AA service work, and sponsoring I gave up myself in the process. I fell back into codependency thinking and it did not take long before the behavior took over and escalated.

As a result, here we are almost 2 months into shelter care. I finally have myself back, and my HP is not any someone(s) or any relationship, and am doing what I have been asked to do. I am not even being given a chance. It is all talk coming from them. DCYF actions speak more of inserting her firmly into placements family life and traditions and removing her from our family life and traditions entirely.

Image credits: Featured, by twitter; bottom, by Pinterest

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