Part of a multi-segmented series on Denial
I am no victim in this. My wrongs in this are many. The only thing I am the victim of is my own poor choices and I have made many. I have righted as many as I could, however DCYF does not seem to care if I do it or not. This being the reason I am writing all of this and exposing what is going on. A little bundle of joy, she is the only victim in this tragedy that I am so desperately trying to make right. Every time I turn around, I hit a brick wall of nothingness from the people who claimed they were going to help reunify us as a family.
After she was removed, I hit a bottom. A complete and total bottom I never thought I could have, but I hit it. At that moment I stopped digging and started climbing. I had lifelines reaching out to me from numerous directions telling me “here I am, just grab on and we will help you!” I took those lifelines and have hung onto them with a vengeance like I never knew existed; like I did to my recovery on May 5, 2008.
I had finally found that drive again that I lost when I was fighting to get her back in the first dependency that started in 2016. DCYF said she had to come first. But my recovery comes first so I do not lose everything else…?! Don’t they get this! I was told to say it to make it sound good to pacify them so I did.
Putting my recovery first and everything else second is what had made me successful in staying clean. I had conquered numerous things in the years I had gotten clean; a big hurdle was codependency. I grew up in it and domestic violence (DV). I was my bio mother’s victim and I did not want to treat my children that way or have them feel the way I did about her. I also could not stay clean and be a codependent person; it just did not work.
The behaviors I exhibited was horrible. Not only was I always in everyone’s business but I did not take care for myself, I was not present for my children, or care for our living environment at all. It was just … horrible does not cover it. Over the years of being clean I would slip back into it, but catch myself and pull myself out of it.
I was doing everything I needed to do to get my lil one back in the first dependency; all their requirements and I was in Family Recovery Court (FRC). I was the first to be admitted into FRC under the mental health track in the State of Washington and the first to graduate. I retained custody of her and she came home. The dependency ended and the case was closed August 2018 and it was a relief. The entire time I knew something was off, I just did not feel right. I had to ask people for so much direction it was unbelievable; I look back now and think of it as “Where do we go now George?” mentality.
I did need to change a lot of thinking patterns; however, I realize also that I had actually started to think like my self-talk. I was putting lil one first. I had become codependent on her and it was not healthy. I had left my HP behind and my child was now my HP. I then proceeded to turn my relationship and partner into my HP, which did not help our relationship at all. I started eating unhealthy foods, hanging around people I normally would not hang around, abusing my depression medication, and life just got worse.
I was stuck on Step 3, I could do this “Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him” However, there are two parts to step 3. I could not actually follow through to doing this with my HP because I had already given my will and my life over to someone(s). I just did not know it at the time.
I had this big whole in me and I was trying to fill it with outside people and things. I had started school and a volunteer position to try and fill that hole, in hopes that would help. I had to stop my volunteering when the case started because DCYF wanted to know my schedule so I gave it to them. Then they proceeded to schedule everything during when I volunteered.
I could either have my life [outside of being a mom] and not get my daughter or give up that life and get my daughter. In the process of giving up my volunteering, AA meetings, AA service work, and sponsoring I gave up myself in the process. I fell back into codependency thinking and it did not take long before the behavior took over and escalated.
As a result, here we are almost 2 months into shelter care. I finally have myself back, and my HP is not any someone(s) or any relationship, and am doing what I have been asked to do. I am not even being given a chance. It is all talk coming from them. DCYF actions speak more of inserting her firmly into placements family life and traditions and removing her from our family life and traditions entirely.