Denial

Denial: Judgements Made

Part of a multi-segmented series on Denial

SOME NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO PROTECT PRIVACY

I am sitting in the courtroom hoping that the work I have been doing and am continuing to do will make an impact. I laid it out in my declaration, along with what went wrong and how I was working on it. My counselor sent a letter verifying this. Department of Children, Youth, and Families (DCYF) claims this is a farce I have been creating to make me look good. I put my faith in my HP that what we did today would bring Lil One home. Well, bubble popped…sort of.

As testimony progressed throughout the hearing, I came realize this was a repeat of the last court hearing with a few extra twists. The social worker twisted Lil One’s words to add credit to her testimony about my son. DCYF brought up my past and lied about why my son stopped eating; I was supposedly not feeding him. In fact, he ate non-stop and when he was placed in foster placement, they would not give him his asthma medication so he could not eat. His throat would swell up so all he could eat was pureed foods.

How do I know they were not giving him his medication? It was not because Child Protection Services (CPS) told me. I found out in a visit. He was refusing to eat and could barely eat the snacks I had in his bag. The visit supervisor also confirmed he was refusing to eat. I went and retained a copy of the hospital records of his last hospital visit and read them. At the time I had just finished a medical transcriptionist class so I could read medical records quite well. There was no list of any medications he was supposed to be taking. He was supposed to be taking 3 daily for his asthma. CPS did not continue to give him his medications and he paid the ultimate price for it. Anyways, I digress.

Back to court today. Nothing I have done to better myself has counted. None of it. According to the Guardian Ad Litem (GAL), DCYF, and the Judge I am still the same person (mental health frame of mind) I was when all this started August 30, 2019.

This is so far from the truth. I am 100% honest with my counselor and working on myself to fix me. I have regulated my sleep-no more insomnia is wonderful! I have altered my diet to not include foods and drinks that set off a migraine which has caused my weight to drop. I go to outpatient to learn about myself and how to stay clean because right after she left I was so codependent on Lil One I did not know if I could stay clean. Outpatient and meetings have brought me back to the AA program. I have cleaned house, so to speak, of those that disrespect me or walk on me-with the exception of foster family (FF). I am stuck with them for the time being. The Department seems to think they are a plus in my life. Why, I have no idea. I am about to start step four-a thorough house cleaning is coming. As far as the house is concerned? I have been working with a friend, my counselor, and peer counselor to come up with a routine and it works. The house looks nice and I keep it clean with the schedules posted on my kitchen cupboards and bathroom door. I am in a routine with it.

After court I spoke with the GAL and he was totally ambivalent to the fact that FF had started taking Lil One to church without asking me and taken her out of state without my permission in her initial dependency. He excused their behavior, just as he did in the first dependency. When I asked if I had those rights, he turned on me angrily telling me that I was just mad because they turned me in. This is not what upset me about them. Numerous things do, but not that. Deep down I knew it was coming. I had set myself up for failure by my actions and those I had surrounded myself with; the FF included.

judgement

After I had been home awhile, I have had a chance to calm down some and think about today. Consider the interactions I have had, and lack thereof. I mean, the social worker refuses to answer my emails and speak with me in person, just another in the line of DCYF workers in this case to add to a list. It does not matter what I say, or do; they have made up their minds on this case. Today that was made blatantly clear.

One thing the social worker did testify too, we were supposed to be having visits in the home by now. I was told no; the social worker told my lawyer yes according to her testimony. In a way, Lil One is coming home for a bit on visits.

I have asked my lawyer and visit supervisor to communicate with the social worker about it since she does not feel the need to reply to the many times, I emailed her about it prior to today.

This is just another page in this story. Tomorrow is another day.

Image credits: Featured, by R. News; bottom, by Pinterest

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