Cracking The Door Open

I have been residing with a homophobic person. It is my own fault that she has become that way; I allowed her to be taught this line of thinking instead of teaching her otherwise. I created this loving, kind, adorable little homophobic child, literally, myself.

Getting to where I am comfortable with myself in my own skin has taken me years. My journey has consisted of my early years living with suicidal thoughts and attempted suicide due to being raised in a strict Christian belief household. If you were attracted or were involved romantically with the same sex you were damned and going to hell; that was just the way it was.

I knew from when I was in my teen years I was in trouble. Occasionally I thought girls were cute and commented as such. I would get in trouble at home for it. I did not think of going out with them, like boys, but after it was pointed out the thought did intrigue me. It was strange and I did not understand it because I really did like boys. When I was 18 the pull towards one woman in particular just made it clear I was damned to hell. I did not know what to do. By this time, I was in active alcoholism so I would drink away my thoughts and feelings on it. I had carried this perverted thinking into my adulthood.

I was in my mid-thirties and addiction was no longer working for me so I got clean and started working on myself in Alcoholics Anonymous. I also had come across another woman that turned my head. It takes a lot for a woman to turn my head.

Men are manly however a woman has a deep inner glow from her core that shines through their eyes and everything about her. I have seen it three times in my life span and they were beautiful women indeed! I never dated this woman but I was sitting at my kitchen table reading step one to my sponsor and telling her about these two women. She just blurts out “I know why you hate yourself.” I am just looking at her stupidly because she had stopped talking; I finally ask her why.

She explains to me what she is hearing from what I had wrote is my upbringing taught me to hate myself because I had an attraction to the same sex and it was evil. It made so much sense. At that moment-36 years old-I stopped hating myself because I adore women. It was so simple.

It was only the beginning though. It would take another 9 years for me to figure out where my gender lay and become ok with being me as non-binary, or an “it” at times. Sometimes I am a “she”, sometimes I am a “he”, but most of the time I am an “it” and I am good with that. I am me today and that is all that matters.

When I hear my daughter say homophobic comments to me, it is shocking, and insulting. I am aware she has no clue what she is saying. I am trying to guide her to be open minded, however the fundamentalist thinking has been so ingrained in her at this time.

The current living situation is not helping. DCYF is determined to keep her in the household she is in and surrounded by those that think being transgender, or homosexual, are not from the Lord and cannot dwell in His house. Thankfully she does not know these big words yet; however, she gets the concept behind them. She has had that explained to her.

This has been a hard situation for me to address because I do not feel she is old enough to have this conversation just out of the blue. I am sure it will come up again at some point and I can address it then. With the ever-watchful eyes of DCYF it makes it harder because when I disagree with anything placement says or does, they act like I have lost my mind.

I have never had any problems with others religion; just do not shove it down my throat-nor my child. When I say enough is enough; that is E.N.O.U.G.H. I suppose some think boundaries are a line on a map still.

Then I have to do a reality check: this is my doing. I put her there to begin with and allowed this to happen. I have to keep doing the next right thing so I can reteach her to not hate myself, and others like me, at our core. Truly she is a loving and kind child, being taught to hate those that are different from what others consider out of the norm.

Glossary-The Trevor Project

Image credits: Featured, by Pinterest; Bottom, by No-Gods-No-Masters

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