I recently saw an article about infidelity and forgiveness. It made a lot of sense, telling him to leave her alone. I have never been able to forgive him for it. I have never forgiven myself for staying in the mind games and control he held over me. It did not make any sense; his behavior, nor hers. However, when I told him to leave me alone, I did not stand my ground; until recently.
On the surface there was no physical intimacy, no physical relationship with them that I could see. There was nothing in texts that my snoops could find-or he was deleting them. Also, they could have been covering for him; which is more likely the case. Either way it did not matter; the fact that I had resorted to snooping was a red flag in itself. I had also been through his phone a few times and I felt dirty for doing so. I told him about it, how it made me feel, and why I had done it. We talked about it and he swore up and down there was nothing going on between him and her; his bestie.
Her behavior was just downright rude and she acted like his girlfriend and I was the one that was out of line. A few of his female friends where this way with me. However, his bestie had been this way to me since the day I met her with everyone she thought was a friend, boyfriend, or anyone that even spoke to me in a kind way. This was long before he came along so I did not think it really was him at all; it was just who she was. I came to realize she is just competitive and it is about seeing if she can take what someone else has and then drops that other person.
After these past two months I have decided I was done giving him any chances. The only time he wanted to work on us was after Lil One came home. Well, no. My conditions were before so any services needing to be done to fix his controlling, gas lighting, and ghosting me issues could be addressed appropriately by DCYF. We could start to work on us while Lil One was not there and transition her home while we still were doing services. He was having nothing to do with that because “I am a nice guy. I am not a predator.” So, that was that. Not for him obviously.
He is still courting me, those types of behaviors. It is rather sweet until I respond back then he just disappears, or gas lights/ghosts me. I love these names these behaviors have! I have stopped responding. I completely ignore him, or blow him off. I do sit back and watch him though. I watch this other woman go nuts over him for about a month. She cringes when I walk into a meeting, however.
Wednesday, I see that she has dressed like I currently dress due to being on foot, taking the bus, or when I am a he. I about spit my drink out when I saw her. She is a very classy looking lady; she wears slacks, blouses, her hair is done meticulously as is her makeup. Her clothes match and her shoes are wonderful! If I drove still, I would wear close to that but in dresses, minus the makeup and my hair being in such grand shape; it does what it wants too.
I leave because I have somewhere to be right after the meeting. He asks me something and I just say “No” and “thank you” then leave. My appointment is cancelled and I have to use the restroom so I head back to the meeting place. It is still open; ya! I go back in the door and there they are, which I did not care but he did. He looked ashamed and turned so red. Looking at the floor he ushered her out the door. I wait to use the bathroom.
I can hear them talking and she is very upset about me. Wanting to know our relationship. He says, “It’s just a friendship.” I see her, wide eyed, rocking on her feet, hands in her pockets, and upset. She pushes her hands out wildly while in her pockets and goes, “Well ok, because I am like…” I turn and walk away.
I had been in her shoes. I was the one doing the same exact thing, same exact words, body movement, facial expression to him so many times before about his bestie. His response? “It’s just a friendship.”
My gut had told me for two years something was going on between him and his bestie and I could not put my finger on it. When I put my foot down, stood up for myself, and said enough is enough he moved on and tried turning the tables on me.
Will I forgive him? Yes. I will never forget though. I will never forget how I gave up so much of myself for who I thought was a good guy for someone who is really a player and controlling person. Who really is a predator in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and women in general. He feels no shame for how he acts and thinks this is normal behavior.